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lost my joie de vivre

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firemansam Posted: 05-23-2011 3:21 PM

Not sure really why I'm posting on here now but I just need some support right now and thought it would help to write things down in a place where people who read will understand. We have one beloved son who was born on Christmas day 2006 so is now 4.5 years old. He was a miracle baby as we were told our chances of conceiving were slim and we were about to start an ICSI cycle. We went through 2 years of heartache to get him but he was worth every day of pain! I thought all our troubles were over and at least while I was pregnant I never felt pain like I had experienced during those two years. I glowed with pride at my growing bump and everything just felt like it was meant to be. I felt complete and like I was doing what I was meant to be doing. His birth was very tough and ended with emergency section but even that didn't phase me. We had terrible trouble with breastfeeding but I persevered and managed to feed him for a year. Nothing was going to stop me bonding with my baby! After I finished feeding him we thought we'd better get cracking on trying for another. Another 2 years trying at that point seemed bearable if there was a baby at the end and as that was how long our boy took we wanted to get started early. Unbelievably I fell pregnant again in that first month!!! And it was on one single attempt. We were stunned and so unprepared that I didn't do a test until I began spotting and realised that i hadn't had a period for 7.5 weeks. The joy was very short lived and after weeks of scans and blood tests and after being scheduled for a D&C they found the pregnancy in the right fallopian tube. It was removed along with the tube and so our journey of SIF began. 

We are now 3.5 years in. 2 years ago I tried clomid and got pregnant on the 2nd cycle. Once again we thought our luck was changing but we were devastated to have a miscarriage at 11 weeks whilst on a family holiday abroad. Since then we have had 9 more cycles of clomid with no luck followed by a cycle of IVF which failed followed  by an FET which also failed. Both times we had a top quality embryo put back and it failed to implant. Devastated! The last treatment was the FET and it finished in march. I have just had AF since then which took 2 months to arrive again. Everything feels like it's going in slow motion. I realised the other day that since the beginning of 2011 we have had one single chance at getting pregnant again. This is due to me not ovulating regularly plus the effects of the fertility drugs used for IVF. I am 35 so feel time is not really on my side. Our SIF has caused big problems for me and dh especially in the bedroom where I seem to only want sex if it is somewhere near my fertile time. I am intensely jealous and bitter towards people who have had their families easily and am constantly feeling guilty for feeling this way and being so unhappy when I have my beautiful perfect son. I have lost my joie de vivre and don't know how to get it back! More fertility treatments will happen but how do I manage my life until then? The next one is in Aug/Sept time and feels like a lifetime away.

All I ever wanted was to be a mummy to some little people and to have a family growing up around me and dh. I feel IF and SIF have robbed me of that simple desire and turned it into something horrible that threatens the happiness of the family that I already have. Help!

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lava2 replied on 05-24-2011 9:14 AM

I understand what you mean when you say that you feel your family's happiness is threatened. I have the most awesome DD and DH in the world (objectively speaking of course), yet my desire for baby #2...not to mention #3...has made me so unhappy and I sometimes can't help but let it show. I always feel horrible, but sometimes it's uncontrollable, the sadness.

I wish you all the best of luck, and I am sorry to hear about your struggles and losses. Part of me thinks that, as long as I keep trying, eventually things will work out. I hope they do for you, too.


Me (34) Flowers Tongue Tied DH (35)

TR (2) Baby Girl

TTC #2 since June 2010

Angel December 26, 2010 @ 7 weeks

My chart


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peacenjoy replied on 05-24-2011 4:27 PM

First of all . . .I'm so sorry.  SIF stinks!  I've not been through all you have but have experienced the tremendous grief that goes with SIF.  It is OK to grieve and go through the process.  Don't feel guilty for that!  I think it helps to remember that these times of grief cycle and you won't always remain there.  Life is full of peaks and valleys.  Aren't these forums helpful for expressing how you feel with those that understand?  Sometimes it's just helpful to get it out and seek some support!  

I wish you and your family the best!  

Me (36)    DH (42)

DSBaby Boy 8/08

TTC#2 since 7/10 . . .BFP 6/11/11! - due date 2/18/2012 

 BabyFruit Ticker

Pregnancy ticker

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forthekiddo replied on 05-25-2011 8:33 AM

I think "joie de vivre" really nails it on the head.  I was one of those @ssholes who got pregnant with my DS on the first cycle trying, and we started to TTC for #2 just before he turned one.  He'll be 3 in a couple of months and we'll have been trying for 2 years at this point (a drop in the bucket for some, still hellish for me).  

I don't lead a sheltered life, but I can honestly say that this has been one of the hardest things emotionally I've ever been through.  I'm very sorry for your losses and for how hard this road has been to you and your family.

Like you this cycle is the first i can really "try" in 2011.  I ovulated from a blocked side in December2010,  and January 2010, February I had surgery (and still kinda tried) and found out about the mycoplasma infection, and have been trying to clear it since then.  I nearly cried yesterday when they said my last test came back negative.  

Some days I'm better at managing the stress/frustration than others.  On the bad days DH steps in and tries to buoy my spirit or becomes the primary parent, but I wonder if I'm encroaching on depression at times.  On good days I only notice it some of the time. and can function normally but on bad days I have such a low mood I can't function.  It's entirely situational - I can objectively say I am very fortunate in life - we love where we live, work is manageable (am still waiting to win the lottery), and we have great friends and family but this infertility thing has been exceedingly difficult to handle.

I always think that secondary infertility is hard in part because you already know how wonderful being a parent is; and you know how much you love your child (not to be smug but I had NO Idea how much I could love another being before my son was born) and want them to have a sibling.  It seems that everyone can have a second (third, fourth, fifth...) child but me.  

I'm not anywhere near close to giving up, and after getting word the mycoplasma infection that likely caused my chemical pregnancies/early miscarriages was gone, I'm starting injectibles today with the hope that drugs combined with the infection cleared will make a difference.  

Know you aren't alone and others are hoping your luck changes as well.  Big hugs. 

DH (34) and me (32), and DS - conceived 1st month trying (!) & born at home Aug 08; 2 shelter cats & 2 big dogs.

TTC #2 since 08/09. Two very early miscarriages 02/10 and 09/10.  

After a long series of hurdles (HSGs, lap, letrozole, mycoplasma infection, antibiotics, and gonal-f with a trigger FINALLY got a BFP June 15, 2011.  Beta June 17 (13DPO) was 70, doubled to 151 at 15DPO, hoping this one sticks!  

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firemansam replied on 06-02-2011 2:31 PM

Thanks so much for your replies. They have helped me feel much less alone and I felt a virtual hug just by reading them! I'm actually in a slightly happier place these last few days as dh and I got away for a couple of nights alone and remembered why we are in a relationship together. We had loads of fun and drank a fair bit of wine and I came back feeling happy. Last night I also got some good news that we have reached the top of our NHS funded IVF waiting list 2 months early!! I feel so lucky that we even qualify for this let alone to get it early. Now just have to wait for af to start. Could be some time...

Thanks again for your support and wishing each of you luck with your own journey's. xxx

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Mamabear replied on 06-20-2011 10:51 AM

Trust me sister you are not alone. I'm glad that things are turning around for you! Just know that it is a constant roller coaster.

I thought by the time I got pregnant I again the roller coaster would end. But it didn't. For the first time in my life, I found myself in an honest to goodness depression. WTF?? I was suppose to be happy. IDK. The drugs they put us on totally screws with everything!!

If I have any advice to give, it would be to find yourself in a place where you are content with having an only child. If you can find that place, life becomes sweet and any pregnancy that comes after that is just icing on the cake. I realize it is hard to get there. It takes time. I'm not sure how I got there but after my first "secondary" IVF failure I started thinking about having an only child. Months went by and I still thought about it. The more I thought about it the better it started to sound. I realized that my obsesion with trying to get pregnant again was taking me away from the everyday  joys with DS. He was getting robbed. It wasn't fair to him. So I started focusing my attention on him and the bond between us grew even more. It was already strong to begin with but NOW it is so strong I can't even imagine sharing my love with a new child. I know I will but it is hard to imagine.

Good luck! I hope your next attempt brings better news! Baby Dust

Me (36)  DH (38) DS (3)
6 IUI's + 3 polypectomies + 2 IVF's + 3 FET's + 55 embryos = 2 pregnancies.

FET #3 March '11 = Transferred 3 blasts. BFP Baby EDD: 12/4/11

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lava2 replied on 07-04-2011 1:24 PM


The more I thought about it the better it started to sound. I realized that my obsesion with trying to get pregnant again was taking me away from the everyday  joys with DS. He was getting robbed. It wasn't fair to him. So I started focusing my attention on him and the bond between us grew even more. 

I think this is great advice, and it took me a while to realize this too. Now I am so thankful for all of the one-on-one time I've had with my daughter, getting to know her, becoming friends, being able to focus on her needs and growth. While it doesn't take all of the hurt away, it really helps a LOT. Thanks for reminding me again!

Me (34) Flowers Tongue Tied DH (35)

TR (2) Baby Girl

TTC #2 since June 2010

Angel December 26, 2010 @ 7 weeks

My chart


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